Do you ever get that nagging feeling that something is just not right? Like someone is lying to you? Like everything in life added up just doesn't quite make sense? These questions may not seem related under normal circumstances, but they make sense to me right now. Maybe that's because a lot of things don't make sense right now.

I just can't wrap my head or my heart around certain things that people do. I think that I am especially sensitive to this because I spend so much of my own time worrying about how my actions will affect those around me. I make myself sick with concern over what I say and what I do, so that I will not hurt anyone's feelings. And I pretty much like that about myself.

However, there are downsides. If only I could stop caring about what other people do or say to me. If only I could stop being hurt by things that are said to other people that seem so inappropriate to me, and really have nothing to do with me, but they still hurt my heart. Sometimes I am just appalled by what some people think is okay or not. Tears fill my eyes right now, just thinking about how deeply words can hurt and how irreversible some of that damage is. I can't wait for the day, when I can wake up without this weight tugging at my heart...

"Why would he do that?" "How could he say that?" "Doesn't she get it?" "Doesn't he?"

"Don't they see what they are playing at?"

There are people's hearts and feelings involved here! People are NOT bulletproof!

I just wish more people cared more...

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Addicted

Okay, so I know I am addicted to many things. However my latest realization is I'm a little addicted to tattoos at the moment. I'm getting another one this Saturday, but I haven't really decided exactly what I'm getting this time. (Brings back memories of running into a little hole in the wall parlor with my aunt one night on a beach trip... I thought our mothers were going to kill us!!) Anyway, I will keep you (my blog!) posted...

Back again

I fell off the blog bandwagon again! I have been under this weight and am just waiting for it to lift... I think I need a trip... San Diego... Wisconsin... how about both? I wish! My life is a tumultuous roller coaster and I can't seem to get a grip! Some days are great, and then something just sweeps along beside me and knocks me right down in the mud... or snow as the case may be... Will this feeling of being lost ever end?

2009

Interesting how time flies past... it seems as if I am standing in a crowd and and everyone else is whizzing by as I just look around dazed and confused. We've all seen a scene in a movie like that! Anyway, here we are at the beginning of a new year, looking forward to new experiences and life lessons while still trying to catch our breath from last year's "lessons." I think goals are great- setting them is motivating and inspiring and makes me strive to do all these great things... and then I get out of bed and real life hits me and it is so much harder to keep my eye on the prize. Here are some things that I hope to work on this year- hope being the key word there...

*rock the pilates class
*learn more about patience
*finish my bible study
*go to wisconsin
*go to san diego
*learn how to change a tire for reals- instead of in theory
*run a mile without dying
*get my AA- degree, not sobriety chip
*move up in my career field
*ace my spanish classes

i am a little obsessed with this song at the moment

thunder

today is a winding road that's taking me
to places that i didn't want to go
today in the blink of an eye
i'm holding on to something
and i do not know why i tried

i tried to read between the lines
i tried to look in your eyes
i want a simple explanation
for what i'm feeling inside
i gotta find a way out
maybe there's a way out

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
do you know you're unlike any other
you'll always be my thunder
i said, your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
i don't wanna ever love another
you'll always be my thunder
so bring on the rain
and bring on the thunder

today is a winding road- tell me where to start
and tell me something i don't know
today, i'm on my own, i can't move a muscle
and i can't pick up the phone, i don't know

now i'm itching for the tall grass
and longing for the breeze
i need to step outside just to see if i can breathe
i gotta finda way out
maybe there's a way out

i'm walking on a tightrope
i'm wrapped up in vines
i think we'll make it out
but you gotta give me time
strike me down with lightning
let me feel you in my veins
i wanna let you know how much i feel your pain

i've been thinking...

dangerous, i know! i get frustrated when life seems so complicated. when my emotions have no words to describe them. when the only thing that i can do to survive is play some otherwise random song over and over until the tears stop. i'm not unhappy or anything, i'm just overwhelmed i think, and i'm ready to stop getting the short end of the stick. it would be really nice, if for once, things happened for my benefit. to just catch a break. how long can everything be so hard? how long do i have to wait to start seeing some improvement?

Isaiah 41

I'm not even going to write it out- just look it up and read it! Again!